


Ningen

by Magrathea



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Press and Tabloids, Recovery, Social Media, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-18 03:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11282742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magrathea/pseuds/Magrathea
Summary: AU in which:1) Viktor got his Cinderella Katsuki’s phone number after the banquet, but2) Yuuri’s diagnosis is a little more intense and he’s got a plan to end things with himself.Picks up at Four Continents after Yuuri's last-place finish at the Grand Prix Final.**Yuuri’s favorite author is Osamu Dazai, and no one can convince me otherwise.**





	1. First Notebook

**Author's Note:**

> I've been lurking on AO3 since December, but this is the first fanfic I've ever written. It took a lot of confidence-building from BluSkates and Denrhea and my friend Kuoh to throw it on here. This work makes lots of references to (but is not based on) No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai.

Phichit lowered his phone and asked, one last time, “Are you sure you want to do this, Yuuri?”

“Yes.” The two were in Yuuri’s hotel room, coming off of a gold and bronze medal finish at Four Continents. Yuuri’s skin still prickled at the farce of a press conference after the free skate. Sitting in the center, he expected to field questions about his catastrophe of a free skate at the GPF, or even about his flawless performances at Nationals two weeks later—his swan song—but instead, Yuuri found himself accosted on all sides with questions about his relationship with Viktor Nikiforov.

_Did Nikiforov-san’s influence help Katsuki-senshu get back in the groove after the GPF?_

_Was he concerned about Nikiforov-san skipping the exhibition skate after Russian Nationals in order to fly to Nagano to see him?_

_Were he and Nikiforov-san dating?_

_How have Katuski-senshu and Nikiforov-san managed to keep their relationship secret? Were they deliberately avoiding the press, as they had never appeared on camera together before or during the GPF?_

_Did the smaller gap in points between Nikiforov-san and Giacometti-san at Europeans have anything to do with Nikiforov-san’s connection to Japan’s Ace?_

_Was Katsuki-senshu deliberately sabotaging Nikiforov-san before Worlds?_

_Was Katsuki-senshu attempting to sleep his way to higher standing in the figure skating world?_

_Had Katsuki-senshu also considered that Nikiforov-san might be using him for inspiration the way he was rumored to with all of his short-lived romantic relationships?_

Yuuri remembered the small hitch in his breath, then the complete lack of oxygen as he weakly turned to Phichit and whispered, “Is that what people really think about it?” This was all the warning Phichit and the reporters had before Yuuri said, “No comment!” too closely to the microphone and rushed out. Phichit followed on his heels, caught him and guided him to a private space where Yuuri could succumb to the panic attack.

Over six weeks had passed since Viktor showed up, unannounced and unwanted, at Japanese Nationals. Over eight weeks had passed since the Grand Prix Final, and the twelve empty hours of memory that were a banquet no one else could forget. Over eight weeks, over two months since Viktor had gotten his number and started texting him nonstop. Over eight weeks had passed since Yuuri planned what should have been his fifth, and first successful, suicide attempt. Viktor Nikiforov had ruined that, and Yuuri still wasn’t sure if he was grateful or pissed off.

Somewhere in the liminal haze of post-panic attack, Yuuri realized that, no matter how frustrated or angry he still felt with Viktor for showing up and disrupting his life, the older man had done what was right. Yuuri’s anger redirected at the paparazzi, the gossip rags who had spent the past six weeks speculating about the imagined relationship. There were positive spins, all branded as a senpai-noticed-me story, and Yuuri couldn’t help but cringe at the way these fictions seemed to rely on yaoi tropes in order to appeal to a market audience. The less-than-favorable stories ranged from casting Yuuri as a status slut/saboteur to the victim of another one of Viktor Nikiforov’s endless string of meaningless sexual dalliances. He was either the femme fatale or the damsel in distress. Either way, he was emasculated, which scratched against the inside of his mind, filled him with the litany of _not-good-enough not-strong-enough not-sexual-enough not-straight-enough-to-pass not-gay-enough-for-pride not-good-enough not-good-enough not-wanted not-needed not-desired not-loved_. Once Yuuri could dial his panic down to a five, he came to a decision.

 

Phichit propped his phone, centering Yuuri in the camera. Yuuri sat on the hotel room’s standard armchair, standard lamp light illuminating his face. His grey hoodie pooled around his upper body; his blue glasses reflected the image of the phone. In his lap, he held a folder, one he’d packed on instinct before flying out from Detroit for the competition.

“Last chance,” Phichit warned. Yuuri swallowed and nodded his head. Phichit pressed record, then jumped into the screen with Yuuri, propping himself on the arm of the chair.

“Hi, Instagram!” Phichit shouted. “I’m here with current Four Continents Champion, Japan’s Katsuki Yuuri! And I’m the beautiful bronze medalist from Bangkok, Phichit Chulanont!”

“Phichit-kun, I think your followers know who you are by now.”

Phichit ruffled his roommate’s hair. “They know you, too, Yuuri. Half my followers only follow me because they’re thirsty for Yuuri content.”

Yuuri shoved Phichit gently with his elbow. “Not likely.” He fluffed his own hair back into a messy-but-clean style.

“Earlier today, Yuuri and I were kind of annoyed by some of the questions we were asked by the press.”

“Annoyed is an understatement. I had a panic attack. Phichit helped me get it under control, but it wouldn’t have happened if the reporters hadn’t acted that way. I’m not annoyed. I’m angry.”

“Yes, let me clarify: _I’m pissed_. Anyway, viewers, Yuuri asked me if I could help him to make a statement, but he didn’t want the press to get their hands on it and twist it around, so we decided to go live here. Yuuri would do it on his own account, but…”

“We all know that I only use my account to lurk and follow other people, and that the only people who follow me are Phichit, Yuuko-chan, my sister and my ballet instructor from Hasetsu.”

“Which is why we’re here! Hi! So, Yuuri, you can stop at any time, but I know that you really want to get this off your chest. Are you ready?”

Yuuri took a deep breath, held it for a count of five, let it go. “Yeah.” He opened the folder in his lap. “Okay, so a lot of people know that I did really poorly at my first Grand Prix Final. They also know that Viktor skipped the exhibition skate at Russian Nationals in order to leave immediately after his press conference and fly to Nagano to speak with me after the free skate in my own Nationals. Since then, there’s been a lot of gossip and speculation. I was ignoring it, but the press has been fixated on reading into events that haven’t even happened, so I’m going to set everyone straight.

“Viktor didn’t come on some giant international booty call. He didn’t come on some whim of fancy, either. He didn’t come because I asked him to. He came because he felt that—no, he probably knew that if he didn’t, I wouldn’t be here right now.

Yuuri paused, took a breath. “Viktor came to Nagano because I texted him that I was going to kill myself after my exhibition skate.” He let a small tremor run through his body, before holding up the folder. “These are the results of my comprehensive psychological evaluation that was done in August of 2012. I was nineteen. I’m just,” Yuuri’s voice hitched, but he steadied himself. “I’m going to read some of this, just the overview. It’s actually like twelve pages long.

“Okay. Um. Here goes. Patient Yuuri Katsuki, 19, was admitted to our care on August 3, 2012 after what he self-reports to be a fourth suicide attempt, though only two prior attempts are shown on his record. Having previously been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder, Katsuki is at high risk for continued suicidal thoughts and actions. When pressed, Katsuki admits to a history of self-harm, both through self-mutilation and dangerous eating practices including binge eating, purging and starvation.”

Next to Yuuri, Phichit flinched, but said nothing. Yuuri placed a hand on Phichit’s shoulder, his touch light and tentative. Then the softness of the moment pulled away with the softness of his hand going back to the folder. “Sorry. Um. Dangerous eating practices. Right. There it is. Dangerous eating practices including binge eating, purging and starvation. After three weeks in our care, patient Katsuki has seen remarkable improvement in mood and self-esteem as a result of group therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy and rigorous drug therapy. Katsuki has responded positively to a balance of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and mood stabilizers, which leads our team to believe his initial diagnosis is incorrect.

“Based on Katsuki’s intake survey and our team’s observations, it is our recommendation that Katsuki is better diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder and that the diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder be removed. The diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder remains. Katsuki is characteristic of Bipolar II as he suffers from long, deep depressions with occasional hypomanic episodes wherein he is able to produce great amounts of work in his field of figure skating, teaching himself new jumps or designing his own choreography, but which also come with increased suicidal ideation. By Katsuki’s own confession, each of his prior attempts have been made during a hypomanic phase. Additionally, Katsuki concedes that he has not previously sought help for his eating habits, which lead to an additional diagnosis of bulimia nervosa, common within performance based careers. Katsuki is more at risk for risk-based behavioral problems, including potential drug and alcohol abuse or adrenaline-spiking activities. People with similar diagnoses are more than forty times more likely to attempt suicide than their peers, which is why we recommend an aggressive course of CBT and continued pharmacological treatment.”

Yuuri closed the folder and looked into the camera. “Um, sorry, I know that it’s, well, I know it’s heavy stuff. I don’t, um. I don’t really do well in public most of the time, that’s the anxiety part of it. And I, um. I don’t really think I have a lot of fans, I mean, why would a dime-a-dozen skater like me have fans, right? But Phichit and Celestino and even Viktor have all been reminding me a lot lately that I’m pretty highly ranked right now, and I guess I lucked out here at 4CC, but I don’t think I really deserve any fans. I mean, sometimes it’ll be the day before a competition, and I’ll lie awake in bed all night long panicking over whether or not I’m going to let everyone down. And I would rather die than let my family down, or let my country down, or let my fans down. Which is I guess what I was thinking when I decided to kill myself in December. I wanted to perform the best that I possibly could to redeem myself from the GPF and then erase the possibility of future failure. I, um. I know that it’s not healthy to think that way, so I’m really sorry. I’m really, really sorry for being such a disappointment to you all anyway. You’d probably rather have me be a total jerk than this stupid mess that I am.

“People have always considered me standoffish or rude at competitions. I don’t interact with other skaters very much. I dodge reporters better than anyone. No one is able to say they know anything about me, and that’s because I’m always terrified that people are going to find out about my disorders. I hate being labeled like that, disordered. But I mean, I have disorders. What else can I do? When I told Viktor about it, and I didn’t even give him the full details like I did just now, I just told him I’m bipolar, he told me that I was really brave. That skating with my disorders is like skating without a leg, or skating while going through chemo, or skating without a sense of hearing. But I don’t think it’s fair to make excuses. I mean, it’s all in my mind. I know that it’s all in my mind. I know that I’m mentally weak.

“So I don’t really care what people say or think about me, except that I care a lot. What I mean to say is that, whatever insult you can think up for me, I’ll probably agree with you full-force. But what’s pissing me off enough to take my deepest secrets and throw them on the internet when I’ve made like fifty percent of my career about keeping my life private is the way people are dragging Viktor into this.

“It’s no secret that I’m a fan of Viktor. I mean, who isn’t a fan of Viktor? But I had a major breakdown during the GPF when I found out that my dog died, and between a couple extra Xanax and a few too many flutes of champagne, there’s a night I can’t remember, and Viktor took care of me in my grief. I don’t know when we traded numbers, but he started texting me, a lot. I didn’t reply for the longest time. Here, I know, I’ll just.” Yuuri fumbled his hand into the pocket of his hoodie, pulling out his phone. “Sorry, Viktor, I should probably have asked first. I’m just going to read a couple of his text messages.

“From Vitya Heart Heart Heart XO, December 14th: Hi, Yuuri! I hope you’re feeling better now that it’s been a few days. I know I had the worst hangover a couple of days ago. Anyway, did you go straight to Japan for Nationals or did you go back to Detroit first? Inquiring minds.

“From Vitya Heart Heart Heart XO, December 15th: Hi, Yuuri! I thought maybe since you’ve been traveling, you might not have seen my text yesterday yet. I hope you’re doing okay. I got to see Makkachin today, and I remembered what you told me about your dog, and I cried. I’ll bring Makka with me to Worlds, if you want, so you can have nonstop access to poodle cuddles!

“From Vitya Heart Heart Heart XO, December 18th: Yuuri, are you okay? I had so much fun dancing with you, and I can’t stop thinking about your dog. I’m sure that he’s watching out for you right now, okay? Let me know how you’re doing, pretty pretty please. Inquiring minds want to know!

“From Vitya Heart Heart Heart XO, December 20th: Yuuri, I don’t want to be presumptuous, but are you avoiding me because you’re embarrassed about getting drunk? I know it’s not like you to drink that much (I checked with Chris, sorry, I probably seem like a creep), but I don’t blame you for getting drunk at all. If Makka had died in the middle of the GPF, I would have withdrawn. It’s amazing that you had the strength to skate that day.

“From Vitya Heart Heart Heart XO, December 20th: Plus, Drunk Yuuri was very endearing. Chris sent me pictures of us, and I made one my lock screen.

“From Vitya Heart Heart Heart XO, December 21st: I know this really isn’t my place to say anything, but I know that I definitely have your right number. And if you were just ignoring me, I’d probably drop it, but I saw your friend Phichit’s post and I’m a little worried. He seemed really concerned about you. And those plastic-wrapped cakes looked like they tasted awful. Piroshkis make better comfort food, but I doubt you can find them in Detroit like you can in Saint Petersburg. Maybe I’ll bring you one to Worlds? Anyway, are you okay?

“From Vitya Heart Heart Heart XO, December 24th: Yuuri, will you watch my SP tonight?

“From Me, December 25th: Happy Birthday

“From Vitya Heart Heart Heart XO, December 25th: OMG OMG YUURI YUURI YUURI!!!! YOU REMEMBERED MY BIRTHDAY THANK YOU!!! AND YOU FINALLY REPLIED!!!! I’ll be watching your SP live stream tonight, good luck!!! <3

“From Vitya Heart Heart Heart XO, December 25th: Wow, Yuuri, wow. That was so beautiful. Flawless. Did you best your personal by fifteen points? Wow. I can’t wait to see it at Worlds. But I’m still worried, you look so unhappy every time you’re in camera. Are you okay? Please let me know.

“From Vitya Heart Heart Heart XO, December 26th: Yuuuuuuuuri, will you watch my FS? I know it might sound odd, but I want to dedicate it this time to you.

“From Me, December 26th: Dear ‘Vitya Heart Heart Heart XO,’ whom I have determined to be Viktor Nikiforov. I’m sorry. I don’t remember the banquet night. Part of me wishes I did, because you’ve been my idol since you were in juniors, but the rest of me is glad I don’t for the same reason. Anyway, I’m sorry. You’re probably the only person except Phichit who’s reached out to me more than once in the past week to see how I’m doing, and you don’t even know me. And I’ve ignored you. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to say this, but these Nationals are meant to be my swan song. I’m not completing the season, Viktor. I’m going to kill myself once this competition is over. It’s something I’ve been planning since the GPF, and I’m not going to back out of it. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but there’s really nothing you can do from Moscow, and I don’t want you to waste a dedication on me when I’ll be dead in two days anyway. Since they’ll probably check my phone when they find my body, I should tell you that I want any extra money after Ciao-Ciao gets paid to go toward any LGBT rights advocacy group in Japan. You can pick which one.”

Yuuri locked his phone and placed it on his lap. “So Viktor got that text right after he got off the ice from his free skate at Nationals. He told me that he only stayed through the medal ceremony and press conference because the quickest flight route he could find to Nagano wouldn’t leave until later that night. Anyway, eighteen hours later, I was about to leave the rink from winning my third national gold when Viktor showed up. I guess to outsiders, it looked like some kind of weird, romantic thing. But it definitely wasn’t. Viktor was desperate, told me he wouldn’t leave my side until I promised not to kill myself. As if me dying would completely upset the balance of the universe instead of being completely inconsequential. He didn’t go away. The second night, the night after the exhibition, he had to physically wrestle me to the ground to keep me from hurting myself, which was scary for both of us, because he’s a lot bigger than me, but I had—I shouldn’t get into specifics, should I? No... Sorry. He stayed with me for the next week, including flying with me and Celestino back to Detroit. Even then, he wouldn’t let me off the hook, and it wasn’t until I’d agreed to spend a little time in-patient to work on re-stabilizing my meds that he returned to Saint Petersburg. The last time I saw him was when he came with Celestino and Phichit to drop me off at Detroit General.

“The first three times I tried to kill myself, my dog saved my life. The fourth time, it was Celestino-sensei. The fifth time, it was Viktor. Viktor Nikiforov saved my life, and until today, I was still mad at him about that. But right now, I’m just pissed that someone would dare accuse him of messing with me like a one-night stand. I may be sick, I may be the person who needs saving, and I may really hate that about myself. But Viktor Nikiforov is a hero, so stop insulting him when you don’t know anything.”

By the time Yuuri finished his speech, he was starting to hyperventilate. The weight of what he’d just done, confessing everything, even his eating disorder that Phichit didn’t know about, crashed over him, and before he could even signal to shut off the live stream, he was back in a panic attack.

“Yuuri?” Phichit noticed almost immediately. “Yuuri, breathe. That’s right. Hey. Five senses. Can you do that? What do you see?”

Yuuri pulled in a terse breath before saying, “I see Phichit. My hands. The phone. God, the phone, Phichit, stop recording. Fuck, Phichit, what did I just do? What did I do? Can’t breathe.” The last image that Phichit’s viewers saw was Yuuri curling up into himself, hands clutched in his own hair, and Phichit diving for the phone to end the live stream.

Phichit locked his phone and waited for Yuuri's breathing to even out. “Yuuri. _Self harm? Bulimia?_ That’s so dangerous, what are you—I mean.” He stopped himself and took a breath. “I didn’t know about that, any of that. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Yuuri looked up at Phichit from the chair, then looked toward the ground. Even sitting, his body twitched with nervous energy. “I thought it wouldn’t… I didn’t think it would be... I’m sorry, Phichit-kun, you deserve better.”

Phichit sighed and tossed himself onto Yuuri’s bed. “I’m not mad, and I couldn’t possibly deserve a better friend. You’re my bestie, Yuuri; don’t forget it.”

“Okay,” Yuuri said, eyes still trained on the floor. A minute of silence passed between them before he got up from the chair and joined Phichit on the bed. He stared at the ceiling. “I, um, I’ve never really talked about this stuff outside of therapy. It’s been, well, I mean... I haven’t cut in like three years. And I mean, well, I guess it’s been a relapse with the other thing, but I’m working on it, I swear.”

Phichit curled his body around his best friend. With his ear pressed to Yuuri’s chest, he could feel the heartbeat as strongly as he could hear it. “I can help, you know.”

“I already put too much on you. It’s not fair to you to make you play babysitter with someone who’s three years older anyway.”

“It’s not fair to me when you hide the relapse in the eating disorder that you never told me you had when I’m supposed to be a corner of your support system. It’s also not fair that you have to go through this stuff at all. Can you trust me more, Yuuri? Please?”

“I—I can try.”

“Good, because the most unfair of all would be losing you.”

 

(This live stream has ended. Video will be available shortly.)  
View all 1,308 Comments

 **@chulanope17** I’ve never seen something so heartbreaking in my life. Phichit, Yuuri, I love you both so much!

 **@yuurikunganbatte** I always said he had to have some kind of anxiety disorder. I mean, watching him on screen is so much like watching the inside of my own head. Is it weird that, even though I know other people have anxiety and depression, this is the first time I’ve ever really felt like somebody gets it?

 **@vikinikilover95** Somehow Viktor just gets better? Like, we all knew he was a good person, but this? #truefriendship #maybelove #ishipit

 **@nikiforovisoverrated** @vikinikilover95 if Nikiforov’s so great, why isn’t he commenting here while his new boyfriend spills his guts out?

 **@y-plisetsky** THIS IS RIDICULOUS THERE’S PLENTY OF ROOM FOR TWO YURIS IM SORRY

 **@icyqueerdiva** @vikinikilover95 But can we also talk about how Katsuki is also obvs a great person, too? He wanted his money to go to LGBT rights. Am I the only one who noticed that? #ishipit

 **@katsukifan09** Holy shit, wow. I remember watching Yuuri’s first major international competition, like, the poor bab was shaking but then he killed it on the ice. I just want to give you a big hug, Yuuri-kun!

 **@nikiforever** I mean, it’s great that he’s opening up about his feelings and all, but he’s still nowhere near the skater that Viktor is #justsaying

 **@yuurikunganbatte** Hey @nikiforever, I don’t think Viktor was thinking much about that when he decided to give a shit, so maybe you could be more like Viktor the person instead of just caring about Viktor the skater, kay?

 **@tooflyforasitspin** I also struggle with bulimia. It’s a nasty disease. Yuuri-kun, you’re my new favorite skater  <3 <3

 **@IceCastleMadonna** Phichit, it’s Takeshi on Yuuko’s phone. We’re trying to get through to Yuuri, can you have him call us?

 **@mila-babe** Yuuri, we’ve only met a couple of times, but I know @y-plisetsky really well, and if he’s apologizing, it means he’s really freaking out. He’s been going on and on about your skating for the past year and a half, so please come skate at Worlds and hang out with us!

 **@JPNSkateOfficialFC** Katsuki-kun, please take care of yourself! We love you and can’t wait to see you represent Japan at this year’s World Championships. We’ve always been so proud of all of your skates!


	2. Second Notebook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fallout of Yuuri's viral confession in the weeks leading up to Worlds.

Yuri Plisetsky threw his phone across the break room, where it crashed into the wall and bounced back, landing face down with the growling tiger case staring blankly back at the handful of skaters in the room. He wanted to scream, but all he did was get up from his seat and kicked it out of his way. “I’m practicing my FS for Junior Worlds. If any of you idiots even try to get on the ice with me, I’ll steal your boots and throw them in the trash.”

Mila didn’t move, neither did Georgi. Katsuki, the other Yuuri, had just laid his soul bare on his best friend’s Instagram, and neither Mila nor Georgi knew how to process what they had heard. There had always been whispers about Katsuki’s nerves getting the better of him, always been rumors of a different persona under the brusque and antisocial exterior that most competitors recognized as the friendless Katsuki Yuuri. However, listening to him talk about disorders and medications and hospital stays, it became uncomfortably clear that inasmuch as Katsuki had always made himself seem unavailable, neither of them—nor many others in the competitive circuit—had bothered to invest the time in trying to get to know him.

After a few moments in silence, Mila released the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “Wow.” It felt hollow, meaningless, but she didn’t know how to turn this into a joke to lighten the heaviness in the air.

Georgi stood up, and his chair scraped along the floor. “That’s not what I expected at all,” he said. He crossed the room to pick up Yuri’s discarded phone. “I could always tell he wasn’t really the jerk some people make him out to be, but I never thought he was going through something like this.” Tears were starting to form in the corner of Georgi’s eyes as he sat back down. “That poor kid.”

“I don’t think he really wants people to think about him like that,” Mila said. She reached over and patted Georgi on the back a couple of times. “How about you? Are you doing okay?”

“Me? I’m okay. It’s a lot to take in, though. I mean, I’ve known Katsuki since we were teenagers in my last season in juniors, and I’ve competed against him in at least one GP qualifier for the past three years. Last year we were in the same two competitions, not to mention Worlds.” Silence, a breath. “How about you, Mila?”

“Me, oh, I’m great! I’m not gonna lie, though. I kind of thought only girls had eating disorders? God, that sounds so terrible to say, and I don’t know why that’s what’s stuck with me the most. Am I awful, Georgi? When I was in middle school and they showed us all of those informational docudramas about periods and puberty, they showed us one on eating disorders, and all of the people in the thing were all girls.”

Behind the two skaters, Yakov opened the door. “Why is Yuri the only person on the ice right now? There’s only a few weeks left until Worlds. Mila, go work on your step sequence in your short. Georgi, jumps, now!”

“But Coach Yakov,” Mila said, “Yuri threatened to steal our skates and trash them if we go out there. Also, I really don’t think I can skate more today.”

“And you should probably kick Yuri off the ice,” Georgi added.

“Why on earth would I do that when his competition is just a week away?”

Georgi sighed. “When Viktor skipped the exhibition, did you know where he was going?” Yakov’s eyes widened for a second before he nodded his head once. “Well,” Georgi continued, “we all just found out.”

Yakov paused for a moment before leaning through the doorway into the main rink area. “VITYA! Vitya, breakroom, NOW! You, too, Plisetsky!”

“Fuck off,” Yuri hollered from the ice, but within a minute he’d done a cool-down lap and popped on his guards. Viktor emerged from the men’s locker room moments later. He carried his skates in one hand. In his other hand, he held his phone.

Once they were all assembled, Yakov turned his glare on his star skater. “Vitya, you swore yourself to utmost discretion when you flew off to Japan, now all your rinkmates know what you went off to do? What if that story gets out to the press? They’ll eviscerate that boy.”

Viktor dropped into a seat near the corner of the room. “I didn’t say anything,” he said. “I wouldn’t ever say anything to hurt him. Yakov, you know how I feel about him. I wouldn’t; even I know where to draw the line.”

“He did it himself, Coach,” Mila said. “He did a live stream. We watched it. He said he was pissed off at the way the press was attacking Viktor, and he wanted everyone to know the truth.”

Yuri kicked an empty chair until it was facing the opposite direction and sat down, his legs straddling the back. He crossed his arms over the back of the chair and propped his head on top. “Whatever,” he said. “Who cares about that stupid sob story bullshit. I’m going to beat him next year in the GPF. He’s an ass if he doesn’t stick around for that.”

“Yuri,” Viktor said, sharp and cold. “He knows that already. He’ll be there.” He ran his fingers through his hair. and sighed. “I just got off the phone with Phichit. I guess he’s had three full-blown panic attacks today, and now he’s sleeping it off. Phichit’s on guard right now. There’s still one more day of competition left before the exhibition skates, and Phichit is putting Yuuri on media blackout. He’ll be okay, though. He’ll come to Worlds.”

“Good,” Yakov said. “What was in this live stream, anyway?”

Yuri answered, “Nothing but his complete medical history and the gross flirty texts that Viktor kept sending him after banquet even though he didn’t respond. Seriously, Viktor, it took him eleven days to text you at all and you just kept messaging him?”

Viktor blushed, a pale pink dust over his porcelain skin. “What else was I supposed to do? I have a crush the size of Everest, and we all know it. I’m glad I did keep texting him. And don’t think I don’t know about that poster of him you bought last year; you’re glad I did too.” When his blush receded, Viktor muttered, “I’m just not sure what to do now.”

.

.

Yuuri saw her sitting in the bleachers as he was about to reach back for a quad toe. Instead of jumping, he slid to a stop and stared, squinting, making sure he was right. Ketty Abelashvili. Celestino called out, but he didn’t process the words. He skated straight to the gate and clipped his guards onto his blades, then—. He couldn’t bring himself to approach her. She came to him.

“Hi, Yuuri,” she said with the same kind of stilted cheer that Yuuri recognized in himself when he pretended to be comfortable. “I, uh. I saw your live stream a couple weeks ago.”

Yuuri blushed and looked away. “Oh,” he said. “Um, thanks for following Phichit. You know how much he loves building his media empire.”

Ketty also had her eyes trained on her toes. “I mostly follow him to keep tabs on you.” She shifted her weight from her left foot to her right, then back again. “Sorry, I’m interrupting your practice.”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri said, perhaps too quickly. They both winced. He shook himself then looked at her, a punctuating gaze that forced her to meet his eyes as well. “I’m pretty much done, anyway.”

“I wanna talk to you,” Ketty said, also too quickly, but she didn’t stop. “I want to fix things before we graduate.”

Yuuri nodded. “Okay. I, um, I think I would like that. Starbucks?”

“You hate coffee.”

“Starbucks has tea.”

Ketty laughed. “I wish I had that recorded. I’d send it back in time to eighteen-year-old Yuuri, viciously declaring that there was no tea in America, just a weak, comedic impersonation not even worthy of Saturday Night Live.”

“Ket,” he said, a grin finally cracking on his face, “eighteen-year-old me was kind of a prick, but he wasn’t wrong about that.” Yuuri turned and gestured to Celestino that he was leaving. Once acknowledged, he moved to change into his sneakers.

They walked four blocks to the nearest Starbucks in a companionable silence. Ketty ordered a caramel macchiato and Yuuri a peppermint hot chocolate. In the wait, Yuuri took a few moments to concentrate on his breathing. He and Ketty hadn’t spoken in nearly a year, and the guilt he felt over letting Celestino choose a different track for this season instead of sticking with her composition threatened to boil over. The pair found a table and sat facing each other, but with eyes buried in their own cups.

Ketty spoke first. “I’m sorry my composition wasn’t good enough. I want to try again.”

“No, it’s my fault. I didn’t defend it like I should have; you worked so hard.”

“No, your coach was right. You’re winning this season, remember? Isn’t that what he asked you? If you could win with that music?”

“I could have. I just… I didn’t have the backbone to say so.”

“Yuuri, you asked me if I could write a piece inspired by your skating career, and I tried, but how could I have possibly done you justice? I’m going to try again, but I want to focus on more than just your skating. You don’t have to use it, you don’t even have to listen to it when it’s done, but I failed you, and I want to make it right. And I want to be friends again, Yuuri.” Ketty reached for his hand, then backed away. She took a sip of her drink, then chuckled. “We started school here together, you were my first ever gay best friend, and it’s important for a girl to have one of those. I don’t want to let my shitty composition keep taking that away.”

“It’s not a shitty composition, Ketty. I,” Yuuri started, then he stopped. He took a breath. “Why would you even want to still be friends with me when I’m so obviously incapable of interacting with human beings?”

“Shut up, Yozo.”

Yuuri’s eyes widened and stared. “You know that _Ningen Shikkaku_ is my favorite book, Ketty. Not fair. When did you even read it? You never seemed interested in it before.”

“I saw it in Barnes & Noble, about three months after we stopped talking, and I guess I missed you. I remembered how much you said you related to the main character, so I bought it and read it and I felt like dying, because as terribly misogynist as he is, I couldn’t help but relate to him too. I think I’ve read it a half dozen times since then.” She paused. “That first composition, that was the bunny, wasn’t it?”

Yuuri took a sip of his hot chocolate. “Probably.” He traced the lid of his cup with his finger. “I wish you could read it in Japanese. The English translation is good, but I still feel like it’s missing something.”

“I believe it.”

“Wait,” Yuuri looked up and grabbed Ketty’s wrist across the table. “You just want your token gay back. You’re losing all your street cred by hanging out with the heteros. I can’t be bought with a hot chocolate I paid for myself, Ekaterina.”

Ketty met his eyes, fixing him with the most serious expression she could manage under the weight of his mirth. “Natch.” They held each other’s gaze for two seconds before both cracked under the pressure and began laughing together. Once they had finally got the laughter back under control, Yuuri took another sip. “So,” Ketty said while his mouth was on the cup. “You’ve got to tell me about your new Russian boyfriend.”

Yuuri barely choked back a spit take and coughed to clear his throat. “He is _not_ my boyfriend.”

.

.

 **Exclusive Interview with Russia’s Living Legend, Viktor Nikiforov**  
**by Alexei I. Medvedev**  
March 19th, 2016

With one week to go before what he hopes to be his fifth consecutive World Championship gold medal, it was hard for Viktor Nikiforov to fit me into his schedule. I met him at a small café near his home rink in Saint Petersburg, and over the course of an hour, we talked about his hopes for Worlds, his plans for the future, and his recent acts of heroism.

“Heroism is far too strong of a word,” Nikiforov laughs. “Anyone would have done the same thing. Or at least, everyone should do the same thing if they find themselves in that kind of a situation. Life is precious. I’m just lucky to be in a financial position where coming to someone’s aid isn’t a problem, even from halfway around the world.” He takes a sip of his drink, tea which he’s sweetened with a berry jam. “I used to drink more coffee,” he says, “but all the caffeine made it difficult to sleep. And I love sleep, so that just wouldn’t do.” He flashes a perfect smile.

I ask him about his plans for next season, and he replies noncommittally, “Well, I can’t say for sure. I know some people are expecting me to go for a sixth year of titles, and I do intend to win gold next week, but just as many are expecting me to retire at the end of this season. And now that there’s even more attention on my personal life than usual, I haven’t been able to decide what to do. Some days I feel like I’ll never quit, that I’ll still be competing into my forties, but there are other times when I’m alone with my dog, and all I can think about is taking a year-long vacation somewhere tropical with pet-friendly beaches. Whatever I decide to do, I’d like to be happy with the choice.”

There’s a glint of something in his eye, and I almost ask him if he’s happy right now. Nikiforov has always portrayed himself as a carefree but kind celebrity, always eagerly engaging his fans and actively involved in charity work. There’s a silence surrounding my unasked question, but Nikiforov breaks it before I can change the topic. “I guess I haven’t been as engaged with myself as I should be. I have many acquaintances, but few close friends, and no connection to any relatives. Makkachin’s my closest family, and it can be hard to be away from her for so much of the competitive year.

“Yuuri said that when his dog died, he felt like he’d lost a part of his soul, and I know I’ll feel the same way when Makka goes. I just don’t want to miss out on her twilight years the way Yuuri was forced to. It’s not fair, you know. No one should ever separate a boy and his dog.”

With the mention of Yuuri Katsuki, Japan’s Ace and current 4CC gold medalist, I feel more comfortable broaching the subject we’re all desperate to know about. How does he feel about the man whose life he saved? “I care about him a lot,” Nikiforov says after a long pause. “I also respect him so much, both as a skater and as a person. I’ve experienced small bouts of depression throughout my life, and most people have. But the fact that he’s able to compete at the international level in such a performance-driven sport as figure skating with everything he goes through on a daily basis, he’s probably the strongest person I know. I’m also incredibly proud of him for using his platform to bring awareness to mental health issues. 

“Being open and honest about your struggles makes you vulnerable, and he’s chosen to accept that vulnerability and turn it into something incredibly positive. Ever since his live stream, we’ve both received countless emails from fans about how much less alone they feel just knowing that he struggles. Thanking him for existing, thanking me for caring. I received a letter from a fan, a thirteen-year-old girl, who told me that she was able to get help for her anorexia because she knew that if someone like me, who appears to have everything in the world, would take the time to care about a competitor he’d barely met, then she knew she could trust her parents with her issues. Yuuri’s honesty did that. Yuuri’s honesty saved his life, saved that girl’s life, and will be saving lives for as long as he’s willing to put his health in the spotlight. Yuuri is the bravest person I have ever met, and I truly believe that he’s the real hero, not me.”

.

.

Celestino and his two skaters had barely made it to baggage claim before the reporters began calling out Yuuri’s name. After his livestream at 4CC, Yuuri had kept a strict course of _No Comment_ to any question that wasn’t specifically about skating. He planned to talk with Morooka when the competition was over; the reporter was a man Yuuri knew he could trust to be respectful. His routine of strict evasion wasn’t actually all that different from how he had previously interacted with the press, but the reporters had changed. Instead of trying to create clever rivalries or fabricate fluff pieces, now they hounded Yuuri with questions about his mental health. Now that they were in Tokyo, essentially Yuuri’s home turf, the notice had grown tenfold.

“I’m really sorry about this,” Yuuri said to Celestino and Phichit in the back of their cab. “I wish they would leave us alone.”

“How are you doing, though, Yuuri?” Phichit asked. “I’m not complaining at all, I’m mostly just concerned about you.”

Yuuri considered himself for a few seconds before answering. “I’m okay.”

Phichit leaned his head on Yuuri’s shoulder. “You’ll tell us if you’re not, right?”

“Yeah, I will. Celestino-sensei, did you hear back from Minako-sensei if she was going to make it?”

Celestino pulled up his chat log with the ballet instructor before passing his phone across Phichit to Yuuri. “She should be here tomorrow for the public practice.”

Yuuri looked at the message from Minako-sensei and felt his eyes prick with tears. He’d seen Minako-sensei more frequently than his own family, since she usually came to Nationals and had seen him twice at different GP qualifiers, but she hadn’t made it to this year’s Nationals. Knowing that she wasn’t coming had helped when Yuuri was still planning to commit suicide, but he needed to stop thinking about it. He’d lived, he’d medaled at 4CC, he’d even gained a persistent friend in the form of his childhood idol. Now he was aiming for another podium.

The hotel lobby was thankfully devoid of paparazzi, and the trio checked into their rooms at the front desk. On their way to the elevator, Yuuri felt himself pushed in the chest, and falling backwards, looked up into the face of a silver-beige poodle with its fur in a teddy bear clip. He instinctively mussed the dog’s fur. “Vicchan?” he asked out loud before whispering, “No, that’s not right. You’re way too big to be him.”

“Makkachin, nyet!” A familiar voice. “Yuuri, are you okay? Makkachin, come on, let him get up.”

As soon as the dog had landed on him, she was removed from her stance on top of Yuuri’s body. He took the offered hand and pulled himself to his feet “Viktor, you could have just let her stay there.” He sunk back to his knees and wrapped his arms around the poodle, buried his face in her fur. “You’re a good girl, aren’t you, Makkachin?” Still hugging the dog, Yuuri turned to look up at Viktor, only to find the Russian at eye level. “Thanks for bringing her,” he said. Looking back down at the dog’s neck, he muttered, “Sorry if it was a lot of trouble.”

Viktor began scratching behind Makkachin’s ear. “Honestly, I don’t know why I don’t bring her to all my competitions. It was no trouble at all.”

.

.

 **@phichit-chu** uploaded a new photo  
{image of Viktor and Yuuri playing with Makkachin in the hotel lobby}  
Makkachin meets her new dad! @v-nikiforov #YuuriKatsuki #notofficial #yuuridonthateme #ishipit #Viktuuri

.

View all 987 comments  
**@v-nikiforov** I would love to appoint Yuuri as Dad 2! #YuuriKatsuki is so great with doggos like Makka!

 **@vikinikilover95** OMG OMG #Viktuuri I love it! and #ishipit

 **@icyqueerdiva** I hope they get married and live happily ever after and have a mountain of puppers running around their countryside estate in a place where their marriage is recognized. #Viktuuri #ishipit

 **@chulanope17** They’re not even dating yet and looking at this picture makes me want to get gay married with a dog. #sodomestic #Viktuuri #ishipit

 **@tooflyforasitspin** Okay, but this is precious beyond words. GOOD LUCK, YUURI-KUN! #ishipit

 **@yuurikunganbatte** I have seen purity, and I will forever be clean #YuuriKatsuki #Viktuuri #ishipit

 **@IceCastleMadonna** Makkachin is here???? @v-nikiforov, I thought I’d be able to handle it, but I’m officially fangirling so hard. I apologize in advance.

 **@IceCastleMadonna** Is it wrong to ship your friend with your shared childhood celebrity crush??? #Viktuuri #ishipit

 **@v-nikiforov** @IceCastleMadonna I’m excited to meet you! Yuuri still doesn’t know that anyone but @OkukawaBalletOfficial is coming, and it’s okay, I ship it too! #Viktuuri #ishipit #crushinglikearockslide

 **@icyqueerdiva** @v-nikiforov I’M SCEAMING RIGHT NOW AAAAAHHHHH #Viktuuri #LGBTSports #ishipit

.

.

“Hi, Yuuri!” A woman’s voice.

The Japanese skater turned around in the skaters’ entrance to the rink. Behind him, he saw Sara and Michele Crispino, both coming together for the men’s public practice. “Hello?” he said, asked. Both of the Crispinos had been at the Final in December. His blackout antics were probably their only recollection of him. He schooled his expression into neutral, hoping to hide the wincing fear he felt. They had to be judging him based on his drunk persona. Drunk Yuuri, a Yuuri with no anxiety and always manic. Drunk Yuuri was the life of the party, but sober and socially-stilted Yuuri was the norm.

Michele lightly punched his shoulder in greeting. “I’m happy to skate against you again,” he said. “We’re both fans of your step sequences.”

Yuuri blushed a bright vermillion at the praise, which caused Sara to crack a smile. “We always watch pairs together; you should join us for their SP tomorrow! Mickey gets really possessive of me, but—”

_“Sara!”_

“But since you and Viktor are together, he promised to behave.”

“We’re not together,” Yuuri said.

“See?” Michele said. He pointed at Yuuri. “Offer rescinded, and don’t try to get with my sister.”

For a second, Yuuri considered walking away, but his Starbucks trips with Ketty had been almost daily since the first one, and if Yuuri felt even just a pinch more confident in himself because of that, then he wasn’t complaining. “I could try to get with you instead,” he shot out with a smirk. “I mean, I really don’t think I should be with anyone. But if you don’t want me to get with your sister, Michele-kun, you should be willing to volunteer as tribute.”

Michele’s eyes widened in confusion while Sara nearly doubled over laughing. “God, Yuuri, yes, please be my brother-in-law.”

Yuuri shook his head and lowered his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Michele-kun. I’ve doomed us to a loveless marriage. May the odds be ever in our favor.” He bowed to the Italian man quickly, which caused Sara to fall into another wave of laughter.

“I love those books,” Sara said once they had moved through the doorway. “And the movies, too. I want to do a skate to the soundtrack next season.”

“I watched the first one with Phichit on Netflix,” Yuuri said. “I took the whole series out from the library the next day. Are they your favorites?”

“Hmm, probably. Mickey’s more of a reader than I am, though. He’s read _The Lord of the Rings_ and that really big companion book that I can’t remember. He reads a lot of fantasy, with like knights and chivalry and stuff.”

Michele rolled his eyes. “You make it sound boring.”

“I don’t think it’s boring,” she said. “I just think it’s old fashioned. Like, all the women in those stories are always damsel in distress type characters.”

There was a pause, then Yuuri said, “I always liked Nienor, but I’m a glutton for punishment. Basically all of _The Silmarillion_ is pain.”

Sara smiled when she saw that her brother recognized what the other skater had said. “See?” Michele said, “Yuuri gets it.”

“You must read a lot, Yuuri,” Sara ignored her brother. “What’s your favorite book?”

_“Ningen Shikkaku.”_

“No idea what that is,” Sara said. “What’s it about?”

“It’s kind of sad,” Yuuri began, “but also beautiful. In English, they call it _No Longer Human_ , but I think if you said ‘not worthy of being human’ or ‘disqualified from being human,’ that would be closer. It’s about an artist, or at least a man who wanted to be an artist.” He paused, unable to find a way to describe the novel. He’d had the same problem when Ketty asked the same question five years ago during freshman orientation. The book meant too much to him to reduce down to a general premise, but he couldn’t explain the plot without ruining the story or scaring people away with the darkness of its themes. “I don’t know, you’d have to read it. It’s a modern classic in Japan, so I read it while I was in the hos—. I read it during high school, and I’ve read it several times since then, too. Um, I guess it’s kind of like _The Bell Jar_ , but with a man? Sorry I can’t be more clear.”

“I don’t know that one either. You should write me a list! I’ll read them all by next season, so we can talk about them at the next competition we’re at together, okay? Here, trade numbers with us and then text me your list later.”

“Um, okay. Sure.” Yuuri typed his number into both of their phones, wondering if this was the first time another skater who wasn’t already his rinkmate had approached him and not left within a minute. For a moment, with his eyes trained on the Italian phone screens, he let himself marvel at the successful conversation. He smiled when he received texts from both twins and saved their numbers to his phone.

.

.

Viktor laid back on a bench in the men’s locker room, already showered and dressed after the public practice. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Yuuri pull a shirt on over his head. “Yuuuuuuri,” he said, drawing out the other’s name, “since we’re in Japan, we should go get your favorite food tonight for good luck before the competition.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Viktor,” Yuuri said. He offered his hand to pull Viktor to his feet. “Katsudon has more calories than a five-course meal followed by poutine at an all-night diner, and all the grease will just bloat you up. I just got my eating schedule back to where it should be, and I don’t want to feel like I have to throw up later in order to skate. It would be a shame to disrespect the most perfect meal in the universe that way.”

Viktor threw his arm around Yuuri’s shoulders and guided him out of the locker room, toward where Viktor had arranged to meet up with Yuuri’s surprise visitors. “How are you doing with that?”

“Better. Um, actually. Uh, this is really embarrassing. My therapist saw my live stream, and he’s been really hounding me about it. I think that it was more worrying for him that I started…all of _that_ again than having to be on suicide watch again. Ciao-Ciao, too. He was really angry at me about it after the live stream. I haven’t had a meal alone since Four Continents. Which I understand, but it’s still really annoying. Sorry, I shouldn’t complain about people trying to help me. I know it’s probably even more frustrating for them.”

They came back through the main stadium, and even though the public practice had ended, the stands were still peppered with lingering fans. Viktor was mostly immune to the cell phones snapping picture after picture of him with his arm around Yuuri, but he could feel Yuuri tense beneath him. He needed a distraction. On the other side of the skaters’ exit, his surprise was waiting for them. “You think Celestino will let you go for meals, then?”

Yuuri stopped walking. “Maybe,” he said after a pause. “Definitely, if it’s with you.”

They began walking again, and Viktor pulled his phone out of his pocket with his free hand. Convincing Yuuri to take a selfie with him was easier than he thought, and Yuuri barely fought him when he started filming. He rolled his eyes and pushed open the door, where he found Minako-sensei, his sister, Yuuko and Takeshi, the triplets and his parents.

Together, they shouted, “Surprise!” Viktor made sure to capture the banners being held by the three six-year-olds in the shot before turning back to Yuuri’s face. Yuuri was crying, hiding his face in his hands. The family were all speaking in Japanese. Viktor couldn’t understand a word, but he knew to take a step back to give them space while Yuuri’s mother pulled her son into a hug. Yuuri hugged the others in turn before finally wiping the tears from his face. He turned and looked at Viktor, not even registering that he was still being filmed.

“Viktor, you did this?”

“I didn’t board a plane from Fukuoka nine times, so no.”

“Shut up, you know what I mean. That’s so much money. I can’t. How will I ever pay you back?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Money? I mean, what even is money? Everything is digital, there’s not really enough gold to insure the amount of money that exists in the world, or even in national banks. I mean, I know they’ve got to have a reserve of something physical like a precious metal in Frankfurt or New York or somewhere, but seriously, Yuuri, money is just a figment of your imagination. Or it’s a figment of mine?”

“Why?”

“What?”

“Even if you won’t admit it, I know you bought the plane tickets, and paid for hotel rooms, and made sure that even the triplets have family passes to get backstage. My mother doesn’t lie. So I know this was you. I just don’t understand why.”

Viktor pulled him into a hug, sure that the camera was pointing at the ceiling, but he didn’t care. Yuuri began crying again, face buried in Viktor’s Team Russia jacket. “I’m really not good with people crying in front of me. What should I do? Should I just kiss you?”

“Why would you do that?” Yuuri snapped his head back and created space between them, but he kept his hands latched onto Viktor’s shoulders.

“Can I?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Wait, really? You’re not joking?”

“Of course not. Can I?”

“I mean, not in front of my—Viktor, are you filming this?”

Viktor stopped the recording, locked his phone and pushed it back into his pocket. “Sorry, I totally forgot. I wanted to make sure I got your reaction. Can I post it?”

.

.

 **@v-nikiforov** uploaded a new photo  
{Selfie with Viktor smiling, arm wrapped around Yuuri, and Yuuri raising his eyebrows at the camera, clearly annoyed}  
#YuuriKatsuki is about to get the biggest surprise of his life, and he still doesn’t know it! Thanks @IceCastleMadonna, @OkukawaBalletOfficial and @katsukimari86 for helping set it up and bringing @sukeota3sisters to see their favorite Uncle Yuuri!

.

View all 1,128 comments  
**@sukeota3sisters** YAY UNCLE YUURI!!! YAY UNCLE VIKTOR #Viktuuri #ishipit

 **@mini-mekenfan1** @sukeota3sisters aren’t you guys like four or something? Do you know what shipping means?

 **@IceCastleMadonna** @mini-mekenfan1 Unfortunately, they do. And they’re six now, so maybe they learned it in school? #passingthebuck #notmyfault

 **@icyqueerdiva** @sukeota3sisters you guys called him Uncle Viktor? Are they together yet? Is my ship sailing??? #ineedtoknow #Viktuuri #ishipit

 **@katsukimari86** God my eyes. Wait for it, Instagram. Just wait.

 **@vikinikilover95** I’m willing to wait for it! #lowkeyhamiltonreference #Viktuuri #ishipit

.

.

 **@v-nikiforov** uploaded a new video  
{video begins on Yuuri’s face, clearly just moments after the selfie was uploaded. “Chotto, Viktor, you said a selfie, stop filming.” Off screen, “Aw, please!” Yuuri rolls his eyes. “This better not end up on Instagram later.” Yuuri opens a door, the camera pans over the Katsuki and Nishigori families yelling “Surprise!”, continues through to Yuuri saying “Viktor, are you filming this?”}  
HE SAID YES! To a kiss! Not in front of his parents! Or online! I can’t wait to take him up on that!!! #blessed #YuuriKatsuki #ViktuuriIsReal #ishipit #letthewooingbegin

.

View all 3,592 comments  
**@vikinikilover95** WHAT WHAT WHAT IM DYING IM HYPERVENTILATING IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU CONGRATUATIONS VIKTOR THIS WAS WORTH IT BETTER THAN AARON BURR HOLY YES #VIKTUURIISREAL

 **@icyqueerdiva** @vikinikilover95 THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR MY SWEET GAY BOOYYYZ #LGBTSports #Viktuuri #ViktuuriIsReal

 **@yuurikunganbatte** Congrats, Viktor, you scored a cinnamon roll there. #YuuriKatsuki is precious, and if you hurt him, we’ll break you ;) #unnecessaryshoveltalk #ViktuuriIsReal

 **@phichit-chu** So glad I got to help Ciao-Ciao make sure everyone got there safely! And finally, Viktor, omg your pining rivaled the Ponderosa Pine Forest in Flagstaff.

 **@v-nikiforov** @phichit-chu You had to google that, didn’t you

 **@phichit-chu** @v-nikiforov NOPE I went there with Yuuri and @kittykettymusic a couple years ago

 **@kittykettymusic** FINALLY, YUURI! GET SOME! Btw, I’m still working on that comp for him. Gonna slay it this time, tell him since he won’t see this!

 **@v-nikiforov** @kittykettymusic who are you and can we be friends?

 **@kittykettymusic** sure DM me; I’ll give you the good stories from before Phichit moved to Detroit ;) ;)

 **@tooflyforasitspin** This is giving me life!!! So many people act like people with mental illnesses can’t love, or be loved, because of their problems. That’s such bullshit and #ViktuuriIsReal proves that. 

**@y-plisetsky** FINALLY UGH does this mean we can finally hear about LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE at practice?!??!?!?!

 **@mila-babe** HAHAHAHAHAHAHA only you would try to kiss him for the first time in front of his parents, just because you couldn’t say how you feel about him with fucking words @ggpopovich LOOK AT THIS IM DYING

 **@katsukifan09** @kittykettymusic we want to know too!! Tell us about Yuuri pre-Phichit!! #thefandomisparched #ViktuuriIsReal

 **@nikiforever** I still think #YuuriKatsuki isn’t good enough for Viktor

 **@nikiforovisoverrated** @nikiforever you’ve got it backwards. Katsuki’s a great skater and deserves the best possible boyfriend if he wants one. Too bad he’s settling for Extra Nikiforov

 **@kittykettymusic** @katsukifan09 We did freshman orientation together and clicked because we’re both awkward as fuck and can appreciate a good-looking Russian man or two ;) ;)

 **@phichit-chu** @kittykettymusic I love how active you are on this comment chain and I am so glad that you and Yuuri made up and are friends again yaaaayyyy!!!


	3. Third Notebook, First Half

Second. Yuuri was in second after the short program, only trailing Viktor by five points. His family was here, the Nishigoris and Minako-sensei were here. Even though his parents still didn’t understand how figure skating worked and had only ever watched it when Yuuri himself was competing, they were here. And not just his family, but Makkachin. At first, Yuuri hadn’t been sure whether being around Viktor’s poodle would help him or just hurt him more, but the old dog was definitely good for him. But best of all was Viktor—after the reunion with Yuuri’s family, they had all gone out to lunch together and done some Tokyo sightseeing. True to his word, the first moment Viktor could, he’d pulled Yuuri away and kissed him. Even the next day, even after several more kisses, Yuuri could still feel the ghost of that first kiss on his lips. Alone in his hotel room, it made him grin like a schoolgirl.

He was already waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The press conference after the SP was always less intense than after the FS, since positions weren’t fixed. Yuuri kept close to Viktor throughout the conference and during all of his interviews, allowing the Russian to answer for him whenever he could. No one expected Yuuri to take gold; Viktor always took gold no matter the competition, but the silver and bronze went to a rotating cast. Yuuri was the choice for silver, but Yuuri had witnessed several launches to the podium thanks to a strong free combined with several falls from grace. Falling to last in the GPF still weighed on his mind, each misstep and fall replaying on an endless loop.

That night, after returning to his hotel room, he tried to sleep. He tossed in his bed. He kicked off his sheets and tore off his clothes, the collar of his shirt suddenly too close to his neck, the fabric of his pants too rough on his skin. He took a sleeping pill. Then a second. And a third.

When he reviewed his past season, he found that the only truly bad skate he’d had was the FS at the GPF. He took silver at Skate America, then another silver in France. Third after the SP at the GPF before falling to sixth. He climbed back with a gold at Nationals, then gold at 4CC. This season was his best yet, and he should be confident in his program and ability. Instead, all he could feel was a condemning dread. He checked his phone for the time. Three in the morning. Just a minute ago, it had been eleven. With a sigh, he pushed himself into a seated position, back propped up against the wall. Phichit was in the next room, just behind the conjoining door. He wouldn’t even have to go out in the hall in order to fall into the comfort of his best friend.

No, he couldn’t bother Phichit. He also couldn’t bother Viktor. Viktor said in an interview barely a week ago how much he loved sleep, and three a.m. was definitely a time for sleep. Everyone important to him was either here in Tokyo… or he could contact Ketty, but he wasn’t quite sure enough to drag her into his late-night problems. Last year at Worlds, he’d been texting back and forth with her almost nonstop, partially to keep his nerves down and partially to keep his guard up against the other competitors. He couldn’t bring himself to message her tonight, but he decided to scroll through her Instagram, doing his best not to like every single photo she’d posted since they’d lost touch.

Five minutes later, his phone started buzzing and an incoming call took over the screen. He jumped a little, heart racing from the sudden intrusion on his personal thoughts, then swiped to answer the call. “Viktor, go to sleep.”

“Yuuri! Are you awake? Chris and I went to a bar, you should have been there! I missed you!” Viktor’s voice was loud, happy, drunk.

Chris’s voice cut in, but a little farther away. He must have been leaning into the phone while the other held it in his hand. “Viktor, calm down, you’re ruining his beauty sleep. Sorry, Yuuri!”

“No, I was awake anyway.” He shouldn’t be awake, he knew. He wondered if he should take a sleeping pill, then remembered he’d already taken three. A fourth would be bad. He didn’t want to disappoint Viktor.

“See, Chris? I told you! Let’s go see Yuuri!”

“Um, are you drunk, Viktor?”

“Yeah, he’s just a little—Viktor, you don’t need to press all of the call buttons.”

“I just want to see Yuuri faster! Chris is no fun, Yuuri, not like you.”

“Um. Viktor, have you met me?”

“Yep! You’re funny and sexy and have killer thighs that make my throat dry and you’re like, super nice and adorable at the same time and I love your eyes that are like… Chris, do you remember the chocolate fountain at the GPF three years ago? Aren’t Yuuri’s eyes like that only better? I want to go see Yuuri’s eyes! Wait—give me back the phone!”

“Viktor, you’re on the eleventh floor, not the seventh.” Now Chris’s voice was clearer and Viktor’s in the background.

“Yuuri’s on the seventh!” 

“Um, it’s not really a... I, um. Sorry. You guys should go to bed.” His mouth felt dry and his pulse was thumping in his temples. Yuuri reached for his water bottle on the hotel night stand and drank half the liquid. 

“Yuuri—are you okay?” Chris asked the question, since Viktor hadn’t heard him.

“I’m fine,” Yuuri said, too fast and too forceful. Yuuri had spent the past four hours obsessively replaying every single failed jump of the season in his mind; he was not fine.

“Chris, gimme the—Yuuri, your music friend sent me a DM and said she thought you were up! I’m gonna come get you now and then let’s get Makkachin and we can have a slumber party! I don’t want you to be all alone without me, Yuuri. Chris is gonna come, too. Chris is my best friend, Yuuri. He’s like my Phichit! You should get Phichit! We’ll have a big slumber party!”

“I, um. Viktor, it’s three in the morning. I can’t wake Phichit.”

“You’re sad.”

“What, no, Viktor. How?”

“How did I know? I don’t know. Yuuuuuuuuuri don’t be sad, I’m almost there. You’re in 715, right?”

Before Yuuri could answer, he heard a large number of knocks on his door. Into the phone, he said, “Viktor, go to sleep. You’re drunk.”

Through the door, he heard Viktor knocking and saying, “Yuuri, let’s sleep together!”

Yuuri ended the call. He got out of bed and dropped his phone on the mattress before throwing open the door. “Viktor, it’s three in the morning.”

Viktor clapped when the door opened. “Wow! Yuuri, you look so good!” Behind him, Chris whistled.

Yuuri felt his entire body begin to blush; at some point, he’d thrown off all of his clothes and was in nothing but his boxer briefs. He couldn’t remember when, either before or after the pills failed. He closed the door and found his discarded shirt tangled up with the hotel sheets. He pulled it on over his head, grabbed the half-empty water bottle and reopened the door.

He pushed the bottle into Viktor’s hands. “Drink this.” Viktor took several long sips before emptying the bottle. When he handed it back to Yuuri, Yuuri flipped on the lights in his room. “Come on, I’ll fill it up for you again.”

Chris helped Viktor to the armchair then sat at the desk while Yuuri disappeared into the bathroom. He tried not to look at the small pile of orange plastic tubes laid out on the desk, but he couldn’t help it. He counted seven bottles, three empty, the rest sporting about a half dozen pills each in different sizes.

“I lost my daily counter,” Yuuri said, handing a cup of water to Chris. “Phichit has the full bottles of almost everything back in Detroit, and we counted them out before we left for each day we’re here.” He then moved around Chris to push the filled water bottle at Viktor.

“Why does Phichit have them?” Chris asked, then hated himself for asking. He hadn’t seen the stream live, but he’d gone back and watched the video several times. Chris had known Yuuri almost as long as he’d known Viktor, but he’d never been close with the younger man before. For Chris, the GPF banquet showed him a Yuuri that he’d always expected was hiding underneath what looked like a general disdain for other people, a Yuuri that Chris knew Viktor could fall in love with. He never anticipated these highly-controlled pills to be regulating and mandating his life. He knew why Phichit would be in charge, and he hated that he was making Yuuri say it.

Yuuri flinched. “Um. Uh. Well, I mean, would you trust me with my own medicine?” He chuckled, tried to play it off as a joke. “Viktor, you need to drink the water.”

Viktor drank more water. “Chris, you should go get Makkachin and bring her back. Then we can all have a slumber party.” He dug into his pocket for the room key card. When he found it, he threw it to Chris, but the thin plastic wavered in the air and fell on the floor.

“Yuuri?” Chris asked. 

“Of the three of you, Makkachin’s my favorite. Here,” Yuuri picked up Viktor’s key and pulled his own from his wallet.

“Okay then.”

Viktor managed to drink the rest of the water and stumble into Yuuri’s bed. Yuuri chose to sit where he’d been before and go back to stalking Ketty’s feed, but soon Viktor dropped his head into Yuuri’s lap. With a light kiss to his inner thigh, Viktor said, “You know, I was pretty sad too, before I met you. Everything was empty, and I was always alone. Just me and my Makkachin.” He kissed him again. Yuuri began playing with his hair; Viktor’s breath held against his confession. “You’re so brave and beautiful, Yuuri. You make me want to take care of myself so that I can take care of you. Will you take care of you so you can take care of me, too?”

“You want me? To take care of you?”

“Please?”

“Yes.”

 

 **World Championship Silver and Gold Medalists Announce Partnership for Coming Season**  
**by Morooka Hisashi**  
April 3, 2016

After a nearly impeccable season for both Viktor Nikiforov (RUS) and Katsuki Yuuri (JPN), the five-time World Champion and 2016 World Silver Medalist sat down to talk with me about their future plans. When asked why Katsuki, who is usually reticent about speaking with the press, had agreed to this interview, he said, “You’re the only reporter I’d trust to keep what should be private, private. Especially after this season.”

The two champions were at the heart of a controversy mid-season, sparked when Nikiforov skipped out on the exhibition skate during Russian Nationals in order to come see Katsuki at Japan’s National Championship. For several weeks, various rumours about an intimate relationship circulated, with some crediting Katsuki’s win to Viktor’s influence over the judges, and others blaming Katsuki for Nikiforov’s scores at Europeans, which were enough to clinch the gold but significantly lower than his scores throughout the Grand Prix Series. The rumours only kept growing as Katsuki pulled in the gold medal at Four Continents Championship in Regina, Canada. They finally came to an end when Katsuki addressed them directly during a livestream, which subsequently went viral. Katsuki’s personal revelations sent shockwaves through the international skating community. What was Katsuki thinking when he decided to do the livestream?

“I was first diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was eleven. Anxiety has always been a part of my skating. But being diagnosed with depression at fifteen, bipolar and bulimia at nineteen… They felt like intrusions into my skating. I wanted my skating to be impressive regardless, and I was scared that if the judges or the other competitors knew what I was going through they would treat me differently. I don’t want leniency in scoring, and I don’t want pity in friendship. I always felt like if my secret was out, if people knew how sick I was, then whatever scores I got would be seen as inflated, whatever friends I made wouldn’t actually care about me but see me as a charity case. I decided to come out with it because it was starting to negatively impact Viktor’s life, and that somehow felt much worse. Viktor, who had done nothing wrong, was suffering because I was trying to keep my illnesses secret.”

“My rinkmates will tell you that I already had a huge crush on him, so the rumours that we were already together were frustrating because I thought they would scare him away.” Nikiforov interrupts Katsuki, putting a hand over his. “We were both so emotionally fragile when we met, and I honestly haven’t felt this strongly about anyone before in my life. I can handle a scandal or two, but I was terrified that the media attention was going to ruin things before they could even begin.”

Speaking of beginnings, both Katsuki and Nikiforov have been incredibly tight-lipped about the future, and while that topic makes them feel both uncomfortable and excited, Katsuki spoke first. “If there’s one thing I’ve realized since December, I need to spend some time reconnecting with my family. I will finish my degree this semester, and after that I am moving back to Japan. I’ve talked about it with Celestino [Cialdini, Katsuki’s coach since 2011], and we’ve decided to formally end our working relationship. I still love and respect him greatly; he’s like an extra uncle, but Phichit-kun [Chulanont (THL)] is also heading back to his home rink in Bangkok, and Ciao-Ciao works better with Phichit as a coach. I think, maybe we’ve been through too much together at this point for me to be able to grow more as a competitor.”

Katsuki will not be left without a coach, according to Nikiforov, “Actually, we’ve been talking about this at length with Yakov [Feltsman, Nikiforov’s coach since 1999] since the end of the FS at Worlds. I’ve offered to take the season off and act as Yuuri’s coach, but he doesn’t want me to quit while I’m ahead. But I’m still longing for an island with a pet friendly beach, so I’m going to be joining Yuuri in Hasetsu in May, and we’re both going to work long-distance with Yakov for at least the summer. Yakov would never let me work long-distance by myself, but Yuuri is much more responsible and organized than I am, so Yakov trusts him with me.”

“I greatly appreciate Coach Feltsman’s willingness to work with me and with Viktor in our situation,” Katsuki adds. “His personality is so different from Ciao-Ciao, but I’m hoping I’m able to adjust. Viktor will be there, so I trust him.”

There’s only one question left for them, and they both laugh and wave it off. When is the wedding? “It took me three and a half months to ask him out!” Nikiforov says. “And we’ve only been dating for a short time. Patience, I have been told, is a virtue.”

“Patience? Viktor, you are not patient at all,” Katsuki says. “If there ever is one,” he says to me, “it will be private. No press. Just family and friends. Make sure we have your address, Morooka-san.” Katsuki grows quiet for a moment, then says, “Sometimes people think getting in relationships, falling in love, is supposed to cure things like depression, but it doesn’t. I’m still just as sick today as I was three weeks ago. I still take the same meds, still see the same therapists. The only difference is that Viktor helps me see the way my friends and family have always loved and supported me as concrete, not abstract. That anchor gives me courage to keep fighting. I think that’s more important to know than future wedding possibilities.”

Katsuki plans to incorporate his struggles with mental illness into his routines for the coming season. Nikiforov has yet to settle on a theme for the coming year, but is already working on choreography for both himself and Yuri Plisetsky (RUS), the current Junior World Champion, who intends to make his senior debut in the fall.


	4. Third Notebook, Second Half

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what happened when I first posted this chapter, but there was a lot of HTML code added in after I posted that turned a whole bunch of text (like over half the chapter) to boldface. If it still looks like that, please let me know and I will keep fighting the randomly appearing HTML code.

**@katsudonttouchme** uploaded a new photo  
{Image of Viktor and Makkachin at Hasetsu Beach}  
Finally got @v-nikiforov to a pet friendly beach on an island. Sorry we’re not tropical, but it’s still 35º today.

View all 16 comments  
**@phichit-chu** @katsudonttouchme you realize that by tagging @v-nikiforov you’re opening up your account for all of his followers and fans to find you, right?

 **@katsudonttouchme** It’s not like anyone can just follow me. But look at Makkachin #poodlepower #dogsofinstagram #iguessthebfsokaytoo

 **@v-nikiforov** Yuuri, you wound me! Okay?? I mean, of course I’m nothing on that beautiful girl, but only okay you guess?? #whyyyy #betrayal

 **@IceCastleMadonna** Aww next time we should all go together (no kids) #doubledate

 **@tooflyforasitspin** Oh my god this is Yuuri Katsuki’s rumored private account and he accepted my follow request and I’m dying!!! #beyondhype #thankyoujesus

 **@katsudonttouchme** @tooflyforasitspin Not gonna lie, I mostly just really like your handle, but @phichit-chu says you’re pretty cool too, so okay sure :)

 **@tooflyforasitspin** OH MY GOD YOU REPLIED TO ME I LOVE YOU YOU’RE MY FAVORITE!!! If you get requests from @icyqueerdiva @vikinikilover95 or @yuurikunganbatte you should totally accept them too! We’re all board members in your fan club!!

 **@katsukimari86** Look at that, Yuuri’s got a fan or six thousand #toldyaso

 **@phichit-chu** #toldyaso

 **@v-nikiforov** #toldyaso

 **@IceCastleMadonna** #toldyaso

 **@OkukawaBalletOfficial** #toldyaso 

**@katsudonttouchme** I love that the board members of my fanclub (which, what? #notworthy) have names that are 1. sass 2. super gay 3. all about viktor and 4. actually really encouraging (??). According to @v-nikiforov, that’s basically the chemical breakdown of my personality

 **@icyqueerdiva** HOLY FUCKING SHIT NO WAY THANK YOU SO MUCH I’M SO THRILLED AND HONORED #blessed #YuuriKatsuki #yaaaaas

 **@yuurikunganbatte** This is the best day of my life #honored

 **@vikinikilover95** I’m actually crying right now from how ecstatic I am. I am in charge of all #Viktuuri posts on the #KatsukiYuuriFC, by the way. That is my job on the board. #ishipitlikefedex #sogladitscanon

 

 **DM from @katsudonttouchme to @tooflyforasitspin**  
**@katsudonttouchme** Hey, too fly. How are you? I remember seeing your comment after the live stream that you also deal with bulimia. Are you doing okay?

 **@tooflyforasitspin** OMG you saw that and remembered it????

 **@katsudonttouchme** Yeah, that’s the real reason I accepted your follow request. Though the handle is great. I wish I thought of it first. 

**@tooflyforasitspin** okay wow, I didn’t think you’d actually see any of my comments lol. I’m doing okay. I’ve been clean for almost two months. 

**@tooflyforasitspin** saying it like that makes it sound like drugs lol. 

**@katsudonttouchme** ha but it’s true I know what you mean. 

****

**@tooflyforasitspin** so, um, is it weird if I ask you the same question? 

****

**@katsudonttouchme** I don’t mind. I’m doing okay. Moving back home was hard, because my mom shows her love in food and I have to keep my diet or I start to have problems, but things are starting to settle in and my sister is really good about staying on my case. She was pretty mad at me when she found out… 

****

**@tooflyforasitspin** yeah, my sister got mad at me too. But she’s the one who caught me and made me get help, so I’ll take it. 

**@katsudonttouchme** same. If you ever need anything, you can feel free to message me. I can’t promise I’ll get back right away, but I’ll try my best :) 

 

**DM from @katsudonttouchme to @yuurikunganbatte**  
**@katsudonttouchme** Hi there! thanks for the support. How are you? 

**@yuurikunganbatte** oh my god this can’t be happening are you really messaging me? 

**@katsudonttouchme** I remember your comment from the live stream about also dealing with anxiety and I wanted to see how you were doing 

**@katsudonttouchme** I mean, if you don’t mind me asking. I know it’s probably really weird. you can forget I asked if you want 

**@yuurikunganbatte** I can’t believe you saw that. Wow. I am… well, I’m not okay exactly, but this is making up for it big time. 

**@yuurikunganbatte** I’m like, mildly in denial that you noticed my comment and that you’d remember it four months later. 

**@katsudonttouchme** you said watching me on tv was like watching the inside of your own head. 

**@katsudonttouchme** it’s a memorable feeling to read something like that. 

**@yuurikunganbatte** I think I’ve watched the video of your stream like a million times. Is that weird? I just started college in the fall, and none of my college friends know about my anxiety. My high school friends all acted like it was a joke when I told them, and my parents don’t believe in mental illness. They think you can just pray it away or something. But that’s not how it works. It’s just how my brain works is different from them. 

**@katsudonttouchme** that sounds like it sucks. if you need to, you can message me. I can’t promise I’ll respond right away, but I’ll do my best. 

**@yuurikunganbatte** wow thank you so much. You can message me, too, if you want. I know you have Viktor and Phichit, but if you want. 

**@katsudonttouchme** yeah, sometimes they’re the problem after all ;). I will take you up on that. 

 

**@katsudonttouchme** uploaded a new photo  
{Image of Yuuri wearing a black t-shirt with the To Write Love on Her Arms logo in rainbow}  
I’ll be partnering with @twloha this season to promote #mentalhealthawareness and #suicideprevention 

View all 247 comments  
**@v-nikiforov** So proud of my beautiful boyfriend! You’re my inspiration, love  <3 <3 

**@vikinikilover95** This is beautiful. This is life. #perfection 

**@IceCastleMadonna** Yuuri, I’m so proud of you!! 

**@kittykettymusic** sweet I hope this means free merch XP 

**@katsudonttouchme** @kittykettymusic hell no. Spend your money that I paid you for your music and support a good cause. #ivegotmyeyeonyou 

**@tooflyforasitspin** Yuuri, you’re such an inspiration and I am so glad that we’re internet friends now. You make me want to be better, not just for myself but for other people too. 

**@katsukifan09** I love TWLOHA! This is wonderful! Are you going to skate to emo music, too? #warpedtourmemories #idpaytoseeyouskatetofalloutboy #idpaytoseeyouskateanything 

**@yuurikunganbatte** @katsukifan09 If we’re planning emo routines for Yuuri, I think he should do stuff by bands who actually work with twloha. I can’t find evidence that fob does. #ivoteanberlin #emoyuuriroutines 

**@kittykettymusic** Okay I have to get in on #emoyuuriroutines and let you all know that in our first year in college, Yuuri once choreographed a routine to “Teenagers” by MCR and GUESS WHAT I HAVE A VIDEO 

**@katsudonttouchme** @kittykettymusic NO YOU DO NOT HAVE A VIDEO OF THAT DELETE IT NOW 

**@kittykettymusic** I also have one of “A Beautiful Lie” because #emoyuuriroutines were definitely a real thing. 

**@v-nikiforov** @kittykettymusic I will pay you good money for that video #emoyuuriroutines 

**@phichit-chu** @v-nikiforov @kittykettymusic I have a particularly inspired #emoyuuriroutines from Candelaria’s class to Girls/Girls/Boys by Panic! 

**@icyqueerdiva** I didn’t know we needed #emoyuuriroutines, but now I am dying for them. Please pretty please I’ll buy a dozen TWLOHA shirts for that Girls/Girls/Boys on ice 

**@phichit-chu** @icyqueerdiva oh no, that was Candelaria’s class; it’s a…dance…routine… 

**@katsudonttouchme** is2g phichit you are in so much trouble if that goes online. Same goes to you, Ekaterina. I know where you both live. 

**@katsukimari86** I also have a cache of #emoyuuriroutines remember #Veltpunch? 

**@katsudonttouchme** that’s it, I’m going back to being a lurker. Never posting anything again. Goodbye, internet. I’ll be alone with my boyfriend’s dog and Veltpunch. See you at China Cup next month. #peaceout #youbroughtthisonyourselves 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I titled the chapters of this story based on the construction of No Longer Human, but there's also a subversion to Dazai-sensei's text in that. In a way, all three of Yozo's notebooks amount to the emotional weight of a confession video, so all of it would be equal to Yuuri's "first notebook," however, Yozo's second half of the third notebook ends with [spoilers] him bitterly thrown into a mental institution for some time before being removed from the city to the country where his familiy can watch over him. Yozo never reaches the point that Yuuri does where he becomes the one to reach out to others. This version of Yuuri is able to find acceptance with himself and a modicum of peace after his confession video, and while that doesn't change how his mind works, it puts him in a place where he's able to help others, and he decides to take on that challenge. Similarly, the title of this work is both an homage to and a subversion of No Longer Human. Ningen, alone, just means Human.
> 
> **As a matter of just curiosity/linguistic intrigue, the word "ningen" means human in Japanese, but the word "ninguém" means no one in Portuguese (one of the languages that I speak). Both are pronounced nearly identically.
> 
> *Yuuri’s book list for Sara: No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai, The Setting Sun by Osamu Dazai, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami, The Collected Tales of Nikolai Gogol by Nikolai Gogol, Cosmicomics by Italo Calvino
> 
> *The TWLOHA shirt that Yuuri wears in the last picture is one that was designed last summer shortly after the attack on Pulse Nightclub in Orlando, and a portion of the proceeds goes toward funding counseling for the survivors of the attack and the LGBT community in Orlando. I picked this shirt for Yuuri because 1) it would have just been released by TWLOHA at the time and 2) Yuuri in this AU is very proud and comfortable with his sexuality. In fact, this take on Yuuri might only be confident in his sexuality...
> 
> *Candelaria’s class is definitely pole aerobics.
> 
> *In this AU, Viktor doesn’t take the season off, but he still choreographs Eros for Yuuri and Agape for Yuri. His programs are: SP “Lara’s Theme” from Doctor Zhivago (1965); FS “How to Save a Life” by The Fray (2005); EX “Sora Tsutsumi” from Wolf Children Original Soundtrack (2012)
> 
> **Viktor picks "Lara's Theme" because he's fallen in love with Yuuri, and in Doctor Zhivago, the main character's name is Yuri. It's also a historically banned book in Russia, and the movie itself was not released there when it came out. The love between Lara and Yuri is forbidden, and this AU world is one in which Russian homophobia is real, so it felt right to him. He picks "How to Save a Life" because of the theme, and also because he's never skated to a pop song and thought it would be surprising. He picks "Sora Tsutsumi" because he cried like a baby when Yuuri made him watch Wolf Children, and he will never live it down.
> 
> *In this AU, Yuuri never teaches himself “Stammi Vicino,” so he doesn’t use it for his exhibition. His programs are: SP “Eros”; FS “Yuri On Ice”; EX “Twenty Four” by Switchfoot (2003)
> 
> **Yuuri picks "Twenty Four" for a few different reasons. First, he took the advice to pick a song by a band that supports TWLOHA and Switchfoot has always been a strong partner of the organization. Second, he wanted something that was very clearly uplifting while simultaneously cautious and fragile. Third, he realized he would be turning 24 mid-season and that was just too much of a coincidence for him.
> 
> *Veltpunch is a Japanese alt rock/emo band. Their song “Crawl” was used as the opener for the show Nabari No Ou, which is the most beautifully emo show about emo ninjas I have ever seen.


End file.
